The Fear Of Fear

2010-05-17T07:10:00.000-07:00

Hey.
It's must have been millions of years since, well, yeah.
Longstory. Longstory.
Been away to look for some homeschooling shit.
Yeah.
But after much consideration and stuff,
we settled down with private school.
Yup.

I'm finally back. Feels great.
I sure missed my life here.
And it's been months since I saw weijie.
That stupid bastard must have been really bored without me (:(:

So now Weijie and I transferred to a private school.
My parents are very demanding.
It kills me.
Yeah.

So I visited Tiffany and the girls before I came back.
They seem, lively, as usual.
Can't wait to start studying and exercising.
I tell you, I look really different now.
I think I'm way over overweight. ):
Okay.
I'm going to leave now, suckers.
Bye.

2010-01-05T03:13:00.000-08:00

Hey guys...
FINALLY 15. :D

Just came back from school.

And I haven't blogged ever since I came back from hell, haven't I?
Oh, just to let you guys know, hell refers to countless shopping trips and never-ending walking around shopping malls.

Yes.
Ian Couture who always been quite for shopping has finally felt that he had shopped so much there, he need not visit any shopping malls for maybe forever.
okay, maybe not.
Yeah,

Talked to Rainie when I came back.
Realised that many things have been.. more complicated than I thought they would be.

I guess, I'm not the only one.

So, I'm kinda fucked up because I'm grounded for no apparent reason. For six fucking months.

I'm turning suicidal. Not really, but please do get the point.
Basketball practices have been horrible.
Break dancing classes are like shit.
Tuition are for losers.
And I'm stuck with doing all that.
Okay, I guess my life does suck a little more because of these activities.
Nevermind, I'll get over it.
I shall go now. :D

2009-12-22T07:25:00.000-08:00

In my heart,
You're made up of two very different emotions.
Happiness and Pain.

So to reduce the pain, I have to sacrifice the happiness.
But if i want more happiness, the more the pain comes.

Everything in my life has traces of you.
My house, where you've been.
My computer, which you used.
The tiles of my floor, where you stepped on.
My handphone, which you checked.
My basketball, which you loved.
My life, which was yours.

You know, when _____ unknowingly talked about you,
I used to think that I should be over you.
But then, these emotions suddenly came out.
All the pain and happiness, all coming back.
Bittersweet. Yes.

I make myself sound so fucking retarded.
Letting myself fall into this and thinking I'm the only one who hurts.
I know you might feel the same way, just that you're keeping quiet,
I don't think I can keep this on anymore.
It hurts me to see how much it hurts you.
I don't want to do this to you, you know.
I know that if you feel better, I'll get better too.
I know that I want you to feel happy, even if it isn't me who can make you happy.

What the hell am I saying man.
I just got very.. pissed. I don't even know why.
Stupid girl.

2009-12-21T03:44:00.000-08:00

Nothing lasts forever.

So as life goes on, there would eventually be goodbyes.

Would we face it with courage and leave everything behind gracefully?
Or would we hang on to the memories and suffer in the pain?

Its not easy to put down everything gracefully because you can't simply hit the "erase" button. It doesn't exist. So we have to face the cruel reality.

The pain would be excruciating.
It's impossible to leave. I've let myself sink too deep.

I'm so stupid. I couldn't see clearly how much it meant to you.

I can't leave now. I've left myself go too far.
But I must. I don't belong with you anymore.
I'm not yours anymore. You're not mine either.

You have your choices, and I have mine.

My choice is you but your choice might not be me.
I'm scared you know.
I don't know when you'll eventually tell me to go because I annoy you so fucking much.
I abhor my actions.
I detest myself sometimes.

Why can't I be like other people?
They make it seem so easy to leave.

I can only cling on, struggle painfully.
So now, I'm gonna let go of you.
You deserve something better.

I'll be alright, I'm dead serious.

But, being such a jerk, I'm gonna let myself do this one last time.

Christmas, our .. supposedly 1 year anniversary, if we had stayed together.

My last chance, hope.
Whatever it is, its the last time I'll ever bother you.

I can let you go after that.
I won't hold on to you anymore.
I'll move on. Really.

2009-11-25T03:54:00.000-08:00

It's funny how things can change so drastically in just a matter of days, isn't it?

You know, Tiffany, no matter how much I reprimand you for being that way,
you just seem to ignore what I say.

Because you are unlike any other,
You don't put up safety precautions when it comes to relationships.

You fall hard for the guy, and you crash just as hard.
You're not protecting yourself enough.

I told you millions of times, one after another, and I'm going to say it again.
"Stop being so selfless, people take advantage of that."

And when you simply smile and look away, I know you aren't going to do what I adviced.
That's when the harm really comes, you know.

People find out that you can just let go of something you cherish with all your heart so easily,
they start taking advantage of that.

They think that it's okay to leave you there, nobody would realise because you always have that dumb smile hung on your face. You seriously make it seem as if it's really okay to stab you in the heart and walk away because you make it seem that way.

Stop it, Tiffany. I don't want you like this.
I'm seriously warning you,
Don't fucking let people take advantage of you.
Fight for what you want.
Fight for what you love.
Fight for the sake of not being left there bleeding your heart out and no one actually realises it.
Because we all care about you.
We really do.
And by secluding yourself and not letting us understand how you really feel, makes us hurt.
It's not going to do any good.

And I will apologize, Tiffany, if this post sounds as if I'm scolding you.
Because I'm not.
I'm doing my job as your brother that have seen you grow up.
Because I know you're not that kind of people that will snatch away other people's happiness for your own.
You're too kind, Tiffany.
Too kind for your own good.

I just found the need to tell you this after I saw what Joyce had said on your blog.
Because I really didn't realised that you were that hurt.
I'm sorry, Tiffany.
For coming too late, not protecting you in time.

I broken our promise.
I failed once again, and I disappointed you once again, Tiffany.
I have failed greatly on my part..

Icouldn'tdoanythingforyou.
-Bom.

2009-11-01T01:22:00.001-07:00

Hey.
Decided to update my blog.
And I have a lot of things to address, so too bad.
----------------------------------------
First, to all who are concerned.
Tiffany and I are FINE.
Okay?
FINE.
Can you just stop asking about it.
Because we are darn right over that damn thing.
Why the hell are you still living in the past.
Stupid bitch, stop asking already.
----------------------------------------
I can't believe it.
People can't seem to change.
I told her before, and now shes at it again.
Its okay to make a mistake. But at least learn from it.
Its stupid to repeat your mistake.
Seriously.
----------------------------------------
Actually, those weren't the reasons why I decided to post something.
As a matter of fact, I'm going to address my main issue, now.

I'm sorry for being such a bastard the other day.
I don't even know what is going on in my head.
I guess I just couldn't face it.
I guess I couldn't face the fact that you guys are, once again, leaving.
Not that I can actually interfere or anything, but. I guess my reaction was just too much, you know.
And I would like to apologize for such a late post on this because I guess I couldn't talk about it openly before.
Denial, that's why.
I'm so stupid.
Fool.
I'm sorry, Tiffany. And Joyce.
Thanks for answering my call the other day, to accept my apology.
What a scene I must have made.
----------------------------------------
Okay, I finally got over the embarrassing and mushy part over.
I think part of me just died.
Okay, I'm going to hide in my corner and never come out again.
Kidding.
My mom agreed to let me visit Tiffany and Stacy at Switzerland.
:D:D (which also means I get to skip training during the holidays.)
Yes.
Byebye
.
Short and fat.

2009-10-24T09:41:00.000-07:00

Apparently, my blog is "dead".
Whoever who came up with that term is just plain stupid.
*cough* Phinonia *cough*
Life has been hectic.
Exams screwed up my life,
Basketball practice has been postponed. :D
I swear, exams can kill your sperms. O:
And then your balls will roll off.
Kea's balls would roll off if I hugged him, I swear X:

Okay, I shall be more discreet.
I don't really feel like typing.
So, I'm just gonna fill it up with photos.
Pathetic. Photos.

Yes, that's me. Last year, I think.
Short. And fat. Just like Phinonia O:

I have been deprived of arcade games for the past, I don't know, years.

I can't do it. My legs are horrible.
Oh by the way, that's Weijie's Malaysia house.
Somewhere at Malacca or something. It's huge, and cool.
Okay.
Byebye.
Ps, I have a fat and short sister. Be envious.

2009-09-26T22:05:00.000-07:00

Only the person you love the most has the ability to cause the most harm

Hey.
It's been very long.
It's been really hectic. I don't even know why.
I miss all the happiness around me. It's selfish, I know.
~~idon'twantthis.~~
Right.
Promised lots of photos for Rainie.
That annoying sister (:
Hahahaa, I just came home from ______ :D
Having a ~~horrible hangover~~ headache.
I know, Tiffany would kill me. But seriously, She does that too.
Anyway, I want to private my blog.
Because the photos are just seriously embarrassing.
Grandmother's birthday :D
Happy belated birthday grandma!

Oh, and you can see weijie's spastic :D hahaha, he stole my glasses O:

Me and Stephanie. You can see my piercing here, finally, Rainie gets to see it :D Weijie must be going Gaga over this photo. Cough, head over heels in love.
Right, I shall end this post. Bye.

Nathan, I miss you bro even more than you'll ever know.

______________,
it hurts so much you know.
I can't control my emotions.
I can't contain them together anymore.
I thought I c0uld keep it a secret.
But I'm tired, really tired.
It's like a torture to me.
Every smile, every laugh, every glance,
Every thought.
It's stupid and selfish.
But look,
we should face it.
We should have the courage.
But..
I guess, its not meant to be.
I __ you.

2009-08-29T20:14:00.000-07:00

Happy 20th post.
Hey guys.
And girls.
Been quite happy these few days. :D
But thanks to a cold, my voice sounds like a pussy.
Yes, I sound gay, as what the girls would say.
Tiffany is the only one not laughing at my voice.
Joyce is such a bitch. Laughing at my voice all the time, telling me that it'll undergo the second voice change, voice break, whatever shit you call it.
Had lunch with Weijie, Joshua, Gary, Justin, Nick, Ron and Ben, yesterday.
And amazingly, I realised that 4 out of 7 of them had girlfriends.
cough weijie cough.
Did the stupid project and got over it.
Weijie and Gary were being god damned horny.
Laughed till we almost died at subway.
We went to walk around orchard.
Gary dared Ben to ask the number from this girl.
Super retarded.
Anyway,
I want the new iPhone.
I don't like my phone, the connection really, the best.
Anyway, I shall go and do my stupid A math homework.
It really kills someone.
Bye.

I was in class (:

And now the bad part.
To ____,
Bastard. Bastard. Bastard. Bastard.
Who do you think YOU are?
What do you think YOU have?
When did you start thinking you CAN?
Why the FUCK are you like that?
Bastard.
You don't even know her.

2009-08-01T08:32:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I posted.
I kinda forgotten that my blog actually exists.
Erh, been busy with a whole load of school work and shit like that.
Kinda stupid.
Nothing exciting.
Do the same dang routine everyday without much of a surprise.
Just that now, my mother keeps telling me to study and study like I have no life.
Goddamnit.
It's quite annoying at times but I guess I just have to bear with it.
Been keeping quite to myself.
Weijie is there and all but it doesn't feel as special if someone else was here to listen as well.
Things are still the same old shit.
My mother wants me to transfer to Joyce's school cause apparently my school isn't that great anymore.
Screw her man.
I don't want to change.
I think I'll drag Weijie to change it with me.
God.
Basketball's being a drag.
But I still enjoy it as much.
I need to work out all the stupid fats and get my stamina back because i can't even complete 2.4 within 11 minutes.
God.
Anyway, an eye burning picture just for you.

2009-07-13T02:59:00.001-07:00

Hey guys.
Yeah, I realized all my recent post are damn fuckedup.
But, I'm okay now.
Really, Joyce and Tiffany called me yesterday,
they promised to take care and we had a nice talk.
I think I'll ask my parents to excuse me and weijie from school soon.
Yeah, sorry for being sucha bastard for the past few days.
I'm better now.
Sorry for the stupid attitude.
Now looking back, I realised how stupid and ignorant i seem.
Maybe that's just the real me.
I hope _____ can come online soon,
we have a lot to catch up on.
Really, im sorry lah.
I'm such a stupid arse.
Okay, I'm in a fairly good mood.
So you get pictures.

Oh, and there, as you can see, are my fats because H1N1 reduced all my basketball training and I don't get to train as much.
Screwit.

2009-07-10T04:16:00.000-07:00

Hey guys,
I got my phone back.
Same number, same shit.
Don't call me because the new plan charges a bomb -.-
Message me if you want.
But it depends if i want to reply you.
No fucking mood.
Bye.

.. Sorry big brother. If you think I've change.
Then I try to change back to the little sister that you love, the little sister I've always been and will be.

These words were stuck to my head ever since i read them last week.
I don't know what's going on anymore.
I don't feel like caring.
But it just comes to me.
I can't concentrate well in school.
I can't concentrate well at home.
I can't concentrate well in basketball.
I can't fucking concentrate.
Rainie, its not really your fault.
I don't know what's gotten into me.
I'm a fucking bastard who likes pushing the blame to other people.
Give me sometime, I'll think through it.
I'm the worst brother anyone can get,
and youre the best sister anyone can get.
I'm so sorry.
Fuckhead.

And Tiffany and Joyce,
I'm coming to find you soon.
As soon as _____________ ends,
I'll come to find you.
I swear

Sometimes, I feel damn useless.
I think no one really cares what I want to say.
No one.
No matter how hard i tell them , they just don't understand,
I don't want things to turn out this way.
If i knew that telling you how I felt would really make things turn out this way,
I rather I never told you that I loved you.
I rather take back everything i said and make everything return to normal.
I rather that Tiffany and you would be back to where you were supposed to be.
I miss both of you.
Really.
I MIAed for a very long time huh?
I just don't feel like coming online anymore.

2009-07-02T06:17:00.003-07:00

I'm not fucking fine.
It's not okay.
I don't care what you two think.
Because you don't care what I would think.
I'm not all for all that,
"It's okay.. I'm okay. I'm fine. Ignore my feelings it doesnt matter" shit.
Because it's not okay, it's not fine, and my feelings aren't supposed to be thrown everywhere.
If you girls think that I'm gonna stay here and listen to how fine and safe you girls are, I'm not buying any of that shit.
"Don't find us,"
Do you think I would do that?
I won't.
Because if you thought I would,
you don't know me well enough.
You better come back.

And to you.
I don't know what's gotten into me.
But I can't stand you anymore.
Not even a little bit.
Saying how your feelings doesn't matter.
Saying how you're fine when you're not.
I have had enough of this.
When T&J are just out there alone and out of reach.
You stay at your little home, thinking of what to get for your boyfriend.
Thinking of how to celebrate your boyfriend's birthday,
When your best friend is out there alone.
When you don't even know if she's safe.
And you don't even show one, single sign, of just worrying for her on your blog.
I thought worrying was what you did best.
And worrying for others is one of the best things i love about you.
Loved, about you.
Thanks girl.
I finally saw who you really are.
You tell people that your feelings aren't important,
but you spend the rest of your days telling people it isn't.
Harping on how bad your life is.
Well, if you think that your life is miserable,
think about mine.
think about Yiting's.
think about other's.
I thought you were the only one I could really relate to.
But from this ignorance and stupidity that you show,
Just shows that I am wrong.
It's not like we're saying that you can not tell us about your feelings,
but you have never been straight-forward about it.
You always find different ways of showing your feelings to us.
But you have never told us how you really felt.

I miss that girl I used to know.
Because you're not her.

2009-07-01T04:50:00.000-07:00

We're sorry, the both of us.
I didn't expect how our departure would cause so much trouble.
And to cause so much stress to you all.
But you guys don't have to worry, we're.. fine.
We settled down in a hotel and we are, veryvery safe (:
Don't worry, all is fine...

I'm sorry, Daddy/KOR.
I know I'm wrong.
I'm glad that you understood how I felt, and you allowed me to leave.
I'm really lucky to have you, Daddy.
I feel encouraged by you.
You are my inspiration.
You are the greatest dad anyone could ever ask for.
The dad to protect and love your daughter so so much.
The dad to help her when she's sad.
And daddy, this daughter here, loves you just as much.
Imissyousomuch.AndI'msorry.

Amandalovee,
I'm sorry for the sudden departure.
I know, school is boring and stuff
but learn to cope with it (:
I'll be back.. soon.
I'll miss you sitting partner.

Weijieee,
Sorrylahbro.
I didn't tell you that I was gonna leave.
I'm sorry for letting you down...
I know, I simplest thing I could have done was to call before I left.
But I just couldn't.
You know how convincing your speeches can be.
I don't want to stay there anymore.
I know, I really would miss all the time we would make fun of.. him.
How you would kick him for me.
How you would protect me when no one can.
How you are just so kind.
Always there for me.
But don't worry, WJ, I will be back soon.
Imissyou.

Drew..
I'm sorry I left.
You said, "I love you" before I was gone.
I couldn't answer you.
That's why I need to clear my head a little.
I'll give you an answer..
I won't ask you to wait.
Because you don't have to wait for someone as stupid as me.
Its not worth it.
I'm sorry Drew..

And to _ _ _,
I'm sorry.
I know you've been very understanding to me and Tiffany.
You know, I'm not worth it. Really.
I know, its really wrong of me to just leave without a goodbye.
We never kept anything from each other, not even once.
And I'm just really sorry, I was the first one to break the promise.
I don't need your understanding..
Because I don't deserve it.
Not even a little bit.
I don't deserve you.
I don't even deserve a single attention.
Not even a single respect.
Not even a single word of concern.
Not even a simple smile.
I don't deserve you. Because I'm stupid.
Because I'm retarded.
Because I don't think well.
Because I'm ugly.
Because I'm just always not up to your standard.
I can never be.
Because I. Don't.Deserve. You.
So, I don't need your understanding.
I don't need your encouragement.
It's gonna feel different, but .. its for the best.
I'msorry,butidon'tknowhowtofaceyouanymore.

2009-06-30T06:09:00.001-07:00

Where are you?
Where are you?
Where the fuck are you?
Stop it.
Its not funny.
Not. At. All.
I've been very understanding about you girls.
I listen. I talk.
And I don't think this is the perfect answer you girls are gonna give me.
I can don't give a fuck for all I care.
But I do care.
So come back.
I don't need an answer.
I don't need it when you girls are somewhere I don't even know.
Not even safe.
Not under my care.
For once, not even thinking about how I fucking feel.
Hah. To think I thought J&T knew me the best.
I guess it's all just a lie.
Don't come back then.
~~butistillcan'tstopcaringbecauseijustloveyougirlssosomuch.~~

2009-06-29T03:24:00.000-07:00

Joyce hereeeee.
Posting because Ian is busy with his basketball practice..
Oh, and studying because he complains that he's dumb.
Like, seriously uhh.
2nd in class isn't bad.
SERIOUSLY.
I think there's a problem with singapore's education system or something.
Ohhh, and he's mom is being paranoid about H1N1.

Okay, I'm so not gonna post about Ian.
He has no life.
Been talking to Tiffany a lot on the phone.
And I think that we both need to talk. A lot.
I don't know. We feel the same.
We both want to get away from the rest of the people we live for.
And live for ourselves.
To put down that fake smile that used to make him happy.
I guess, the feeling is too overwhelming.
We're just too tired.
I guess, maybe its goodbye.
But on the other side, seriously, its gonna take forever. ):
I don't knowwwww. But I miss that girl.
Okay.
Wayy to much info ):
I shall stop now...
~~So.. farewell~~
BYEBYE ^^

Tiffany, I miss the old you.
The one I used to laugh with.
The one I used to be the real me with.
The one I confide in when I argued with him last time.
The one I used to smile to.
The one that smiled back to me.
I love you. I miss you.
~~I'll see you, tonight. (:~~

And.. now I realise.. that you are the reason why I don't feel like leaving.
I'll miss you.. really.. But, I don't know about how I feel now.
So.. I promise, with that last kiss we shared, that I'll be back.
And I'll tell you how I feel.. I'm leaving you behind, but just for this once.
Don't worry, I'll be fine. Really. (:

And to all the girls,Cloe, Stacy and Mikey,
Tiffany wants to tell you...

2009-06-24T02:27:00.000-07:00

Joyce here, :DDDD
Ian refuses to update his blog because he's "lazy".
Yeah..
Anyways! (:
I know, I'm responsible for making him like upset and stuff.
So, I'm gonna say sorry to all those people who are concerned about Ian.
So veryvery sorry. D:
I won't emphasize much because its a public blog and stuff,
So get your nosy face off his blog if you're someone unconcerned and as he said, hypocritical.

Weijie and I are at his house. (X
That's why I get to use his laptop.
Amazingggg.
So... yeah.
I think i'm gonna stop posting because this post is boring.
So yeah(:
I shall end off with a pictureeeee.
A really ugly one, in fact
.
I have yellow braces now! (:

2009-06-23T09:52:00.000-07:00

Ian, cheer up.
Ian, don't be sad.
Ian, go back to normal.
Ian, feel better.
Ian, get over it.

Words.
Simple, Simple, words.
I don't need them.
I don't need these hypocritical help.
They do nothing.
Asking me to fucking cheer up, for one, doesn't help.
Not even a little.
Well, if someone stabs you and ask you to cheer up,
you won't.
Because the pain would still be there.
The pain would still exist.
The pain won't just go away.

Sometimes people just say that for the sake of saying it.
Well, if you don't fucking mean it, then don't fucking say it.

That's not the point, though.
I don't show my pain, doesn't mean I don't feel it.
I don't show how I feel, doesn't mean that I don't feel it.
I don't show the hurt, doesn't mean that I don't feel it.

So stop doing whatever you want to and act like my feelings aren't important.
Because its part of me.
Your feelings aren't important?
Well, they are important.
But so is mine.

I realise that many of my closest friends, don't really understand me as much as i thought they would.
I guess I was just being naive.
I guess, it was just a lie.

Going M.I.A. for awhile.
Depends on when I feel like coming back.

2009-06-21T06:28:00.001-07:00

I'm puzzled why my heart still longs for you.
Recalling the days when u stood by me, my mind goes into deep remorse...
For two people to share a common vision,
takes time,
determination and a lifetime of affinity.
I realised i have failed greatly on my duty..
To protect you. To be with you.
To simply make you feel my presence.
I remember the times when I was busy with basketball and couldn't make time for us.
You would spend the whole afternoon waiting for night to come, just so you could call me on the phone and talk to me.
I would then simply say that I'm tired and hang up.
It didn't mean anything to me.
But to you, I never realised how it great it meant.
I treated you like a habit.
I never noticed how much you meant to me until I lost you.
I never knew how the simple things you did for me felt so good after I lost you.
I never noticed that your presence could bring me so much.
I didn't realise that all you ever wanted was me.
And all I ever did was to push you away.
I remember everyday after school,
You would spend the whole time sitting outside my school for four hours just to wait for me.
I took it for granted.
I would then send you to the bus stop near your house and walk away.
I didn't even bother to send you to your doorstep after you had waited for me for so long.
All you wanted then was to just hold me and kiss me before I leave.
But I would just give an excuse and walk away and make it seem as if its okay to leave you there.
I thought it was okay.
Then, I started to get interested in going out with my guy friends.
When you called me out, I would just simply refuse you because I wanted something new.
I'm sorry.

2009-06-20T11:43:00.000-07:00

Hey guys.
Just came back from Seoul.
I lost my fucking phone in the hotel.
I swear they stole it or something.
God.

"What if.. What if I told you I love you?"
"Ian... Stop joking around.. It's not funny."
"But I'm not."
"Ian, you know its impossible. We both know it is."
"Why?"
"I know this is dumb, but, I can't .. It hurts too bad. "
"I'm sorry.. I was such an idiot."

I don't understand why things must happen this way.
It's always him this, him that.
You don't even fucking love him.
Stop making him sound all that great when you don't even have feelings for him
Last year when we tried going out,
We broke up in the end.
What did you tell me?
You feel inferior, you feel insecure, you feel not needed, when you're with me.
But you're the only one I've ever loved.
I wanted to tell you how much I loved you so badly during the trip.
But you never gave me the chance.

I miss you so much that it aches me inside.
I miss you. I love you. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for being such a bastard.
I ignored your presence.
I took it all for granted.
It was my mistake.
I got used to how you were always there, and took it for granted.
I.. was an idiot.
I know I'm not in the position, not fit to say this but..
I miss the times we were together.
Talking on the phone all the way till the morning.
Listening to your breathing though the phone when you fall asleep halfway.
I miss how you look in the morning.
I miss how you walk around me.
I miss the smile that you said was just for me.
I miss how you make everything seem so simple.
I miss how you can make me smile when I'm down.
I miss how you make the day seem so much brighter.
I miss how you just make the world seem to only have just two of us.
I can't stand seeing you crying alone
I can't stand watching someone else do the job of protecting you.
I can't stand being such a coward and not tell you how I feel.
I really love you.. I really do.
I just... don't know how to express it.
I'm.. sorry..
You can call me a coward.
You can call me stupid.
But you cannot doubt how much I love you.
But for now, I won't disturb you anymore.
I won't bother you anymore.
I'll forget you.
Farewell.

This Seoul trip was all a mistake.
I shouldn't have asked you to go along.
I'm sorry.

2009-06-15T03:39:00.001-07:00

Sup.
Flight at 1.30 a.m. or whatever time it is.
I'll be away till Saturday.
Maybe I'll be online when I get there or something.
Weijie's already over at my house now.
His parents are coming for dinner later.
Joyce and her parents really are coming to Korea with us.
It's gonna be a big crowd.
I'm not really excited about Seoul though.
I get to miss training :D
Coach didn't believe that me and weijie are going off together.
But seriously, I don't care about that bastard.
Hmmmm, I'll try to take pictures or something.
See you :(

I can't keep it in any longer.
I don't think I can do it.
I should just give up.
Whenever I see you with your boyfriend, I just stand there and smile like some stupid idiot.
But behind that carefully crafted smile, my insides are screaming, telling me to say something.
I don't think I can protect you.
I don't think I'm suitable for you.
I feel like giving up the last little hope I have for you.
I'll keep my memories of you locked up in my heart and never let it out.
But before that,
I'll give my first, and final shot at winning your heart.
If or else fails,
I don't love you. I don't love you. I don't.

2009-06-13T08:37:00.000-07:00

Sup.
Went shopping with mom today at orchard road.
Got stuff for the Korea trip.
And amazingly, I saw Bobbi!
Hahahaa, we decided to go lunch together and I ditched my mom and she went to find her group of aunties for lunch instead.
Had a long talk with Bobbi.
She told me that she's planning to fly back tonight.
It feels nice to finally get the chance to talk to her face to face.
She's pretty when you get to see her in real life. :D
Hahahahaha.
She had to rush back after lunch to settle her packing and stuff.
Then I met up with mum afterwards.
Called Weijie to come over to get what he needed.
Mom said that _____ is coming with us to Korea.
She said it's a surprise. I have no idea who she is, not even Weijie.
Hope we'll have fun :D

I hope that one day I would have enough courage to tell you that I really love you.
I'm sorry. I really am. I can't stand being your so-called "bestfriend".
I don't want to be just any other guy. I want to be the guy.
When I'm with you, I'm don't feel the same.
When I'm with you, I feel that I can't breathe properly anymore.
When I'm with you, I can't think straight.
I just don't know how to say this.
~~but I love you.~~

2009-06-12T07:40:00.001-07:00

Hey guys.
Went training today.
Coach was being a bastard.
Made us run around like some retards.
Anyway, went dinner with Weijie and his new girlfriend.
Kinda dumb and awkward with me there so I decided to leave early to find my cousin, Marissa.
It's her birthday today. :D
Sooo....

Happy birthday, love :D
I'm gonna say something really cheesy now.
Thanks for being there for me when _____&_____ were being ______.
Thanks for being so kind and beautiful (I was forced to say this.)
Thanks for having so much time for me.
Thanks for all the late night phone calls asking me if i'm alright.
Thanks for saving the best of everything for me.
Thanks for being such a great cousin, Marissa.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! :D

2009-06-11T06:51:00.000-07:00

Hey guys. I'm leaving for Korea next Tuesday..
Which means I get to skip training (:
Weijie's coming along with his parents.
Tiffany&Stacy asked me to help them get cosmetics.
Gosh. My mom got doughnuts from the doughnut factory today.
She got super excited and showed me the doughnuts that she got and started pointing to the dark chocolate one with a smile.
so it went,
Me: Why the heck are you pointing to a doughnut?
Mum: The chocolate.
Me: What about it?
Mum: It's mine. *Gives a face*
Me: Urhhh. Yeah. Sure.

That's my mum. She can't grow up or something.
Training tomorrow. I don't want to go.
Maybe I'll just skip it or something. I swear, Weijie's not going, I hope.

Things have been changing a lot.
Sometimes when I talk to her, She doesn't feel the like the old her anymore.
She's matured, that's true, but..
Whenever my heart tells me to let go, when my heart tells me its time, my hands would just grip onto her tighter,
making sure that she does not fall deeper into harm’s way.
But she seems like she does not want me to help her anymore, she keeps pushing everybody’s helping hands away.
She is like family, she is my family .
She has supported me and helped me in so many ways that I can possible think of.
I care about her so much.
What she is going through is something that she cannot go through alone and I want to help her.
But she does not seem to want the help given. I don't like seeing her suffer like this alone.
But I will always tell her that she is not alone because I am with her always.
No matter what,
She is like my sister, but sometimes.. I feel that I can't help her.
I feel like I just can't.
I listen to her cry over the phone and I don't know what to say to her anymore.
I'm sorry.. I really am.
but I need you to know that don't take sides.
I believe whatever you said to me and I trust you as much as I love you, ______.

.

No matter what you're going through, I'll always be by your side.
Even if you no longer need me, I'll still be there supporting you.
Being the shadow you might never pay notice to.
But when you need me, I'll be right there .
When you are prepared to talk to me, tell me how you feel, I'll be there to listen.
Whatever you said to me today, I believe you.
But please don't hurt yourself anymore now.
If you expect me to side with someone and ignore how you feel, then sorry, I can't do it.
I love you too, cat.

2009-06-07T08:06:00.000-07:00

Hey guys.
I just created a blog. :D
It's actually kinda fun.
Weijie's beside me now.
He says,"Hi".
Yepp.
And yeah, the ugly picture is me. :D